I am _________.

There are so many words I could end the title with - all of them true, yet all of them completely incorrect. In fact, the title as it stands is probably the most correct it ever could be. I am ________. End of story. I am nothing. I am everything. I am indefinable.

This post has been in the making for a couple of months, but I didn't quite realize it until I woke up this morning. My views have undergone a massive paradigm shift of late, which leaves me breathless at times. At this very moment I am bursting with thoughts and things I want to say, but I am holding onto them for a bit because they aren't quite ready. To say some of my thoughts now would be no different than frosting a still-hot cupcake and watching as it all melts off.

While those particular thoughts cool on a wire rack for a bit, I do have another batch of thoughts, completely cooled and ready to go.

You may have gathered from my intro that I want to talk about labels. For so long, I've been looking for my label - the word or phrase that I could neatly and quickly insert into a sentence that somehow conveys the entirety of who I am. How silly I was to think there was a word that all-encompassing.

Before I continue, I want to side-step to a different topic, but will make sense in a moment: Buddhism. While it has only been in the last few months that I have decided to study to become a Buddhist, I have realized my brain has always wanted to follow this path. It's beliefs and principles have always spoken to me, even when I didn't realize it. Sure, most of my life, my actions have been very much NOT Buddhist and I course have a lot of learning to do.... but it feels right.

But what does Buddhism have to do with me labeling myself? Everything! It is human nature to label. We label everything and sometimes even label the label. We label our gender, our race, our sexuality. We label our political preferences, our religions, our social standing. Buddhism does not advocate labels, stating that labels only limit us. But Buddhism also teaches the "middle way". The middle path is all about avoiding extremes. If we were to give up labels completely, verbal communication would be all but impossible, after all even the words you are reading are labels designed to give meaning to sounds and letters.

The key here is not to let labels equate limits. Even calling myself Buddhist is a label, one the Buddha would likely not agree with, as he did not refer to himself as being a "Buddhist". So, I can call myself a geek (something I'm finally proud to call myself), but that doesn't mean that I don't possess non-geek qualities or interests. I can call myself lazy, but maybe I just haven't found the the "thing" that inspires me into action. I can call myself ugly, but maybe I'm just too busy focusing on what I don't like. I can call myself whatever I want to, but that doesn't make me that word.

Labels are just words. The color "green" could easily have been called "blue" or "yellow" or even "asdkljfs". Calling it green doesn't change what it is.

So who am I? It's simple. I am ________.

What are your hot buttons?

Yeah, we all got em! You know what I'm talking about! Your hot buttons get pressed when other people say/do something that makes your blood boil instantly. It could be something serious, or something simple. What are yours?

My hot buttons

• Bad spelling and grammar
• Animal abuse
• Drunks
• Disrespecting overweight/challenged/not so pretty/gay/different/ etc people out loud where others can hear you
• People who think that someone different from them isn't as good as them
• Repeating myself
• People assuming that just because I don't talk to you that means I don't like you and/or am a bitch
• People who have opinions but refuse to qualify them after stating said opinion

I'm sure I have more, but this is just a start! In this journey of mine, I'll probably lose a few and gain a few. We shall see!

Some People Simply Make Me Uncomfortable

I'm sure we all have people that we are uncomfortable being around, and I'm sure the reasons are varied. I recently made a list of the types of people that make me uncomfortable and what I noticed surprised me. With each and every single one, there was a connection that boiled down to one simple thing. Can you figure it out?

• Outgoing/Blunt people
• Skinny people
• Authority figures
• People I don't know, but am expected to mingle with
• Competitive people

It all boils down to fear of failure, ladies and gentlemen. Maybe not initially, but I can pinpoint each and every single discomfort I feel around these people, down to fear of failure.

Outgoing people are confident in themselves. They know their strengths and weaknesses and simply accept them as they are. They also often don't think that other people are any different, so this, many times, makes them blunt. If someone asked them, "what were you thinking when you put that shirt on today?" they'd most likely shrug and say "I like it. You don't have to look at if you don't like it." But someone like me would fret over that comment for hours or days thinking "Yeah, I should've picked the ____ shirt instead." And feeling like an idiot because I don't know how to dress myself. FAILURE 

Skinny people are the worst. Not only are they able to flounce around in clothes that fit perfectly, look proportionate... and no matter how ugly inside they are, they still manage to have those of the opposite sex fluttering around them like bugs to light bulb. Then on top of that they have the nerve to say to you "You aren't fat, I'm fat. See?" and then proceed to pinch SKIN around their middle, paying no mind to the fact that you could pinch 10 times that amount of fat off your own middle. Not to mention, that fat people aren't taken as seriously as skinny people. I mean, who wants to rely on someone who can't even control how much food they put in their mouth, let alone put in charge of a major work project. Again, fear of FAILURE.

Authority figures are the boss. They are in charge and it's up to them, especially in the workplace, to determine how good of a job you are doing. Even when I'm not doing anything wrong, they make me nervous, because I just know they found something that I DID do wrong. FAILURE

Mingling with and meeting new people. I suck at communication. I'm much better at listening. When I am tossed in with people I don't know and somehow expected to talk to them, my heart almost pounds out of my chest. I never know what to say, to do. It's like stage fright, only I don't have a script, I just have to ad lib. You know where I'm going with this.... FAILURE

And of course, competitive is the most recognizable here... fear of losing whatever competition this other person had dreamed up in their mind. And most of the time these people have little competitions going on inside their heads and you don't even know about it! So, then I'm wondering what kind of things I'm losing at and don't even realize it!

So basically, all this means is that I've got to work on my self-esteem. Figure out how to be that person that says "Oh well" and can simply leave it at that.

I'm working on it... but it's a long road.

Getting Easier...

While, I won't classify this process as "easy", parts of it are definitely getting easier. I'm finding myself feeling less pessimistic (in some areas) and generally happier. I'm also finding it easier to be nicer and more understanding of others. While this isn't a finished project... I doubt it ever will be, I'm certainly feeling better about it.

Part of it, I know, is that now (again) have people in my life that accept me. As is.  That's HUGE to me.

I had saved a quote from the Buddha on my notes page for future use/ reference. Though, at the time, I didn't really feel it, It did speak to me. And now I'm beginning to believe it. "Hatred never ceases with hatred, but with love alone is healed. That is the ancient and eternal law."

Love does heal. You just have to let it.

Some Thoughts

I've had an opportunity recently to discover if this journey of discovery is working... and in what ways. Meaning, an ex-friend (we ended an almost life-long friendship this past march) had a tragic loss in her family. A mutual friend of ours let me know what had happened and, despite our falling out, I immediately wanted to go to her. But I couldn't. Instead, I phoned another mutual friend and passed along a message to my friend.

I'm happy to report that I did get a chance to see her and I also attended the funeral of her family member...and I was honestly in pain for her and her family. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you, but her pain...well I just couldn't begin to imagine it. You see, she lost her child, her baby.

But deep down there were still two things running in a constant loop through my mind: That I would do anything to get her back as my friend, and that there is no reason she should because I was such a horrible friend when we were friends.

And I'm not just being negative here. I don't think of things a truly loving and caring friend would; Another friend set up a candlelight memorial (doing that would never even occur to me), not to mention simple ordinary things that people do at times like this.. I SUCK at. I haven't the foggiest idea how to console someone when they are upset, and I don't cry. Oh this bothers me. In private, I can cry and wail and bawl like little baby, but in public... especially at times when I'm supposed to cry, I don't. In fact, I try to find reasons why I shouldn't.

During the service the preacher said something along the lines of "crying is showing compassion".. now I'm sure that's some line out of a bible I don't believe in... but it has a point. What I'm talking myself in circles around here is simply this: She looks around and sees all these people showing compassion for her by simply crying. And then she looks at me, and while I have this utterly sad look on my face... I'm not crying. I didn't cry when my grandparents died. I didn't cry when my mother died... but I have no problem crying over a dead pet.

What is up with this?!!

I know when I was little, I was lonely, picked on, bullied, and for the most part, friendless. I had to be strong. I had to ignore it when people said things that hurt me, because letting me see me cry was letting them win. Maybe this issue now has something to do with that, I don't know.

But dammit, all I want is to be loved for me, and to have the ability to totally love (and show it) someone in return. Maybe I just don't know how to love... my husband would disagree... but then he's not exactly the best source to go to...it would be like asking "does this dress make my butt look big."

Sigh.

I am What I Think.

If I AM the collection of all my thoughts and everything that I think about myself, then the picture of my inner self isn't a pretty one. Maybe this is the one thing that distinguishes Optimistic people from Pessimistic people (that would be me); Optimists always look on the brighter, "glass half-full" side of things, whereas Pessimists are the exact opposite.

Maybe I stay in this mindset because it's safe and familiar; It's what I know and the outside world is a scary place. I've heard before, and believed in the idea that if you live life expecting to fail, then you won't be surprised when you DO fail, because you're already expecting it. But I've come around to thinking that I have to change my thinking. I have get to where I believe that if I live life expecting to succeed, then I won't be surprised when I DO succeed. So, listed below is my personal list of things I think...believe about myself and another list of how I want to turn those things around and make them positive.

• I think I am unworthy of love...but I want to believe that I am SO worthy of love.
• I think I will always fail... but I want to believe that I am capable of any task.
• I think that people will always betray me... but I want to believe that it's not about taking sides. Betrayal isn't the issue.
• I think I always have to be right... but I want to believe that being wrong is the only way to grow and change.
• I think I have to fight against being told what to do... but I want to believe that I am free to make my own decisions and only listen to those who make me a better, happier person.
• I think my opinion of me is based on others opinions of me... but I want to believe that only my opinion matters!

And I am slowly following the path to get from "I think" to "I believe".

I Don't Feel That Someone Could Love Me Enough To Not Hurt Me.

So, maybe this bitterness, anger, self loathing, desire to be different and not do anything anyone else does, this "I don't give a fuck" attitude is just my way of putting myself into the label I have assigned myself.

Maybe my desire to blend in, and then the mental rebellion of that idea is me WANTING to fit in and be accepted, but not believing that I ever will.

Maybe my procrastination is simply the desire to not waste time on something I don't believe I'll ever be able to finish.

Maybe I'm overweight because I don't love myself enough to try.