Some Thoughts

I've had an opportunity recently to discover if this journey of discovery is working... and in what ways. Meaning, an ex-friend (we ended an almost life-long friendship this past march) had a tragic loss in her family. A mutual friend of ours let me know what had happened and, despite our falling out, I immediately wanted to go to her. But I couldn't. Instead, I phoned another mutual friend and passed along a message to my friend.

I'm happy to report that I did get a chance to see her and I also attended the funeral of her family member...and I was honestly in pain for her and her family. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you, but her pain...well I just couldn't begin to imagine it. You see, she lost her child, her baby.

But deep down there were still two things running in a constant loop through my mind: That I would do anything to get her back as my friend, and that there is no reason she should because I was such a horrible friend when we were friends.

And I'm not just being negative here. I don't think of things a truly loving and caring friend would; Another friend set up a candlelight memorial (doing that would never even occur to me), not to mention simple ordinary things that people do at times like this.. I SUCK at. I haven't the foggiest idea how to console someone when they are upset, and I don't cry. Oh this bothers me. In private, I can cry and wail and bawl like little baby, but in public... especially at times when I'm supposed to cry, I don't. In fact, I try to find reasons why I shouldn't.

During the service the preacher said something along the lines of "crying is showing compassion".. now I'm sure that's some line out of a bible I don't believe in... but it has a point. What I'm talking myself in circles around here is simply this: She looks around and sees all these people showing compassion for her by simply crying. And then she looks at me, and while I have this utterly sad look on my face... I'm not crying. I didn't cry when my grandparents died. I didn't cry when my mother died... but I have no problem crying over a dead pet.

What is up with this?!!

I know when I was little, I was lonely, picked on, bullied, and for the most part, friendless. I had to be strong. I had to ignore it when people said things that hurt me, because letting me see me cry was letting them win. Maybe this issue now has something to do with that, I don't know.

But dammit, all I want is to be loved for me, and to have the ability to totally love (and show it) someone in return. Maybe I just don't know how to love... my husband would disagree... but then he's not exactly the best source to go to...it would be like asking "does this dress make my butt look big."

Sigh.

I am What I Think.

If I AM the collection of all my thoughts and everything that I think about myself, then the picture of my inner self isn't a pretty one. Maybe this is the one thing that distinguishes Optimistic people from Pessimistic people (that would be me); Optimists always look on the brighter, "glass half-full" side of things, whereas Pessimists are the exact opposite.

Maybe I stay in this mindset because it's safe and familiar; It's what I know and the outside world is a scary place. I've heard before, and believed in the idea that if you live life expecting to fail, then you won't be surprised when you DO fail, because you're already expecting it. But I've come around to thinking that I have to change my thinking. I have get to where I believe that if I live life expecting to succeed, then I won't be surprised when I DO succeed. So, listed below is my personal list of things I think...believe about myself and another list of how I want to turn those things around and make them positive.

• I think I am unworthy of love...but I want to believe that I am SO worthy of love.
• I think I will always fail... but I want to believe that I am capable of any task.
• I think that people will always betray me... but I want to believe that it's not about taking sides. Betrayal isn't the issue.
• I think I always have to be right... but I want to believe that being wrong is the only way to grow and change.
• I think I have to fight against being told what to do... but I want to believe that I am free to make my own decisions and only listen to those who make me a better, happier person.
• I think my opinion of me is based on others opinions of me... but I want to believe that only my opinion matters!

And I am slowly following the path to get from "I think" to "I believe".

I Don't Feel That Someone Could Love Me Enough To Not Hurt Me.

So, maybe this bitterness, anger, self loathing, desire to be different and not do anything anyone else does, this "I don't give a fuck" attitude is just my way of putting myself into the label I have assigned myself.

Maybe my desire to blend in, and then the mental rebellion of that idea is me WANTING to fit in and be accepted, but not believing that I ever will.

Maybe my procrastination is simply the desire to not waste time on something I don't believe I'll ever be able to finish.

Maybe I'm overweight because I don't love myself enough to try.

Who am I?

While, no one has actually asked me directly, "Who are you?" (and I hope no one does any time soon), I simply have no idea how to answer a question like that.

It seems to me that there can't be one simple answer, or can there? Is it possible that one word is all some people need to define themselves? For instance, I have heard many mothers talk about their lives and I find one common thing among all of them while everything else about them is different. Working women, stay at home moms, married, single, happy, not so happy... but the one common thread among them is that above all else, they are moms. They view motherhood as the single-most spectacular accomplishment of their lives. But is that who they are? Is it so simple that the one thing a female human being is born to do (procreate), the singular definition of who she is?


If this is indeed the case, what about women who aren't mothers, and also, men who aren't fathers? Do they simply not have an identity?


Think about it. When you ask people about themselves, what is the first thing that comes out of their mouth? That is usually the thing they deem most important to themselves. But is that thing who they are?


I feel like "who" I am, is maybe the collection of everything "me": My thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions. This makes defining your inner "who" harder and easier to do at the same time. Harder in that, how do I know when to stop? Easier in that, I don't have to pick just one word.


Maybe I've talked myself in circles here and that none of this makes any sense. I don't know. But I do know that I'm going to do whatever it takes to find out who the real me is. Because if I don't know who I am, then I can never be confident in myself.