Some Thoughts

I've had an opportunity recently to discover if this journey of discovery is working... and in what ways. Meaning, an ex-friend (we ended an almost life-long friendship this past march) had a tragic loss in her family. A mutual friend of ours let me know what had happened and, despite our falling out, I immediately wanted to go to her. But I couldn't. Instead, I phoned another mutual friend and passed along a message to my friend.

I'm happy to report that I did get a chance to see her and I also attended the funeral of her family member...and I was honestly in pain for her and her family. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you, but her pain...well I just couldn't begin to imagine it. You see, she lost her child, her baby.

But deep down there were still two things running in a constant loop through my mind: That I would do anything to get her back as my friend, and that there is no reason she should because I was such a horrible friend when we were friends.

And I'm not just being negative here. I don't think of things a truly loving and caring friend would; Another friend set up a candlelight memorial (doing that would never even occur to me), not to mention simple ordinary things that people do at times like this.. I SUCK at. I haven't the foggiest idea how to console someone when they are upset, and I don't cry. Oh this bothers me. In private, I can cry and wail and bawl like little baby, but in public... especially at times when I'm supposed to cry, I don't. In fact, I try to find reasons why I shouldn't.

During the service the preacher said something along the lines of "crying is showing compassion".. now I'm sure that's some line out of a bible I don't believe in... but it has a point. What I'm talking myself in circles around here is simply this: She looks around and sees all these people showing compassion for her by simply crying. And then she looks at me, and while I have this utterly sad look on my face... I'm not crying. I didn't cry when my grandparents died. I didn't cry when my mother died... but I have no problem crying over a dead pet.

What is up with this?!!

I know when I was little, I was lonely, picked on, bullied, and for the most part, friendless. I had to be strong. I had to ignore it when people said things that hurt me, because letting me see me cry was letting them win. Maybe this issue now has something to do with that, I don't know.

But dammit, all I want is to be loved for me, and to have the ability to totally love (and show it) someone in return. Maybe I just don't know how to love... my husband would disagree... but then he's not exactly the best source to go to...it would be like asking "does this dress make my butt look big."

Sigh.